09/06/2016
by IainPattison
0 comments

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE VICTOR IN THE BATTLE OF THE BIOGS!

Wow – it’s been a right humdinger of a contest. Forget the EU referendum – the clash of opinions that has REALLY gripped the nation this past fortnight is which of my three proposed jokey author descriptions should become my new surreal mini biog.

Tempers have frayed, families divided and people have unfriended each other on Facebook. A little blood might even have been spilled. But the arguing is over and I can finally declare a winner.

To refresh your memories (as if you haven’t already seen the choices dozens of times on towering billboards around your neighbourhood!) the three candidates were:

 

A:Iain Pattison used to be miserable at the thought that he was universally shunned. But since he’s discovered that it isn’t everyone in the universe avoiding him – only those on planet Earth – he’s cheered up considerably.

He’s the author of the Quintessentially Quirky Tales humour series. Sign up for his monthly newsletter at www.iainpattison.com for gags, gossip and great giveaways.

B: After a blissful 20-year relationship with newspapers, Iain Pattison returned home to find that journalism had changed the locks, nicked his CD collection and dumped the rest of his belongings on the doorstep. Scorned but plucky, he’s been working as an author and humorist ever since. His hobbies include devouring unhealthy amounts of chocolate, crying inexplicably on public transport and re-homing neglected jokes that others have cruelly abandoned. He can be found lurking around the entrance to www.iainpattison.com

C:Having discovered that he was not The Chosen One of which the ancient prophesises spoke, Iain Pattison ditched his kaftan, sold his sandals and vowed to eke out a living as an author and humorist. Between penning funny tales, he battles to give obscure words like eke a place in polite society. He resides in Birmingham, but often feels a mysterious urge to return to his cave in Tibet for Bank Holiday weekends.

His monthly newsletter is packed with gags, author interviews, sneak previews, gossip and great giveaways. Find out more at www.iainpattison.com
And after several recounts and the giving and receiving of bribes, the winner turned out to be…
DRUM ROLL
CAMERA EXTREME CLOSE-UP ON SWEATING COMPETITORS
“The winner is….”
SWIFT CUT-SHOTS FROM FACE TO FACE
“The winner is….”
LONG, AGONIZED, NAIL-BITING, NERVE-SHREDDING PAUSE
“….winner is ….”
Crushed C
c-chain
Burning C
In case the not knowing will keep you awake at night – B came second and A didn’t get any votes at all! Which considering it’s all about being shunned is quite ironic…
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18/05/2016
by IainPattison
5 Comments

KIDDING ASIDE, IT’S TIME FOR A CHANGE…

You know, it only just occurred to me the other day that for a bloke who’s written a series of off-beat comedy books my author profiles were a little bit too serious. Not strait-laced, not exactly Queen Victoria in full grieving mode, but a tad formal, and dare I say it – pompous.

Victoriablog

Me before the transformation

All bore rather stiff, forced-smile photos of me trying to look like a respectable author (if that’s not an oxymoron!) and featured details of my past achievements laid out like a desperate job seeker’s CV. I didn’t mention my cycling proficiency badge, but nearly everything else.

Published widely on both side of the Atlantic (yeah, okay), author of a best-selling guide to short story writing (impressive but not quite Carling), millions of published words (but so has Jeffrey Archer!) competition judge (do you get to wear a wig?) and public speaker (well, it’s not really that exciting if you do it in private…)

But where was that vital ingredient – the fun? Inside my head the voices that get me into so much trouble urging me to binge on cake and lust after my neighbour’s petrol mower, suddenly instructed me to turn my attention to being amusing.

545

and the new me – minus the black frock

So for the last few days I’ve been on a mission to introduce some mirth and mayhem into my biogs. Gone is the sombre, chiseled profile “head and shoulders” picture, now replaced by me looking gormless but happy.

And the thumbnail descriptions of me are now silly, surreal and irreverent. I may, if I find the time, even do a description of my thumbnail.

So why I am telling you all this? Apart from having a blog to write and being trapped in one tiny corner of my study while my wife has the carpet-fitters in (and no, it’s not a euphemism!). Truth is, I want to pick your brains. Or, more accurately, I want to tickle your funny bones.

I’m currently test driving three different versions of a silly summary that will become my “Hi – here’s who am I” write-ups. And I’d love you to tell me which one you prefer. Which, if any, is the funniest and hopefully most engaging.

No, there isn’t any payment coming your way – just my undying gratitude. (If I die the gratitude becomes null and void, see clause three, paragraph 6B.)

Jeffreyarcherblog

Dear old Jeffrey – I’ve probably had as many published words as him – but that’s definitely where all similarities end!

So let me know in the comments – what’s your favourite? A, B, or C?

A:Iain Pattison used to be miserable at the thought that he was universally shunned. But since he’s discovered that it isn’t everyone in the universe avoiding him – only those on planet Earth – he’s cheered up considerably.

He’s the author of the Quintessentially Quirky Tales humour series. Sign up for his monthly newsletter at www.iainpattison.com for gags, gossip and great giveaways.

B: After a blissful 20-year relationship with newspapers, Iain Pattison returned home to find that journalism had changed the locks, nicked his CD collection and dumped the rest of his belongings on the doorstep. Scorned but plucky, he’s been working as an author and humorist ever since. His hobbies include devouring unhealthy amounts of chocolate, crying inexplicably on public transport and re-homing neglected jokes that others have cruelly abandoned. He can be found lurking around the entrance to www.iainpattison.com

C:Having discovered that he was not The Chosen One of which the ancient prophesises spoke, Iain Pattison ditched his kaftan, sold his sandals and vowed to eke out a living as an author and humorist. Between penning funny tales, he battles to give obscure words like eke a place in polite society. He resides in Birmingham, but often feels a mysterious urge to return to his cave in Tibet for Bank Holiday weekends.

His monthly newsletter is packed with gags, author interviews, sneak previews, gossip and great giveaways. Find out more at www.iainpattison.com
Okay, members of the jury that concludes the gory evidence of my terrible humour. Please retire to your chamber and consider your verdict…
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