04/11/2015
by IainPattison
1 Comment

And the winner of month of the year goes to… NOVEMBER!

Now you probably can’t see it behind my massive Rupert the Bear muffler, but I’m sporting a super strength Camembert cheesy grin.

The reason for my inane happiness?

Quite simply, it’s all due to the calendar. My favourite season – autumn, that chilly time of fogs, fireworks and frightful sweaters is finally here in all its fruity, leaf-falling mellowness. And the best autumn month of all – good old November – has us in its “oh-my-God, there’s only 50 days to Christmas!” grip.

Now I know I’m in a minority here in viewing our 11th month as a time for rejoicing. I can hear people screaming about the murky mists, the daily hassle of scraping frost off car windscreens, the dark mornings, the grey gloomy skies and the need to waddle around in wet wellies.

But there’s plenty to be thrilled about too. For me, November isn’t just manky weather and motoring mayhem but the month of manic moustaches, marathon writing challenges and massive explosions.

guy-fawkes-thumbnailIt’s the point every year when we burn an effigy of poor old Guy Fawkes – to show him how much we’re still hacked off that he failed to blow up the Houses of Parliament. (You only had one job to do, for Heaven’s Sake!) And as part of the fiery festivities we allow feral youngsters to kidnap tramps, strap them to carts and wheel them round yelling: “Pound for the Guy.” Don’t you hanker for the pre-inflation days when a penny could buy you enough pyrotechnics to be seen from outer space?

It’s also the merry month when normally sane, grey, office workers and other salarymen decide to look like a cross between a Victorian sergeant major and a cartoon Mexican bandit and grow the most ridiculous facial hair. In the very praise-worthy cause of raising money for research into prostate and testicular cancer, hordes turn their back on their razors for 30 days. The “Movember” grow-a-moustache challenge raises huge amounts and can be a hoot. And for that, I salute it and wish all taking part the best of luck. Even those types who use it as an excuse to go round in garish novelty ties saying: “I’m mad, me.Totally bonkers.” You know who I’m talking about – Perkins in Accounts.

movemberWhat is fascinating is the variety of results these non-shavers achieve. Some more hirsute Movember participants end up resembling wookies, others RAF fighter aces, while a few more sinister characters who’ve cultivated small toothbrush ‘taches make you think they’ve been secretly poring over travel brochures for Poland. Yet – from the yeti to the peach fuzz failures – all share one thing in common. They look like, well… woolly wallies.

As you can guess, I don’t take part. I did experiment in my 20s with growing a beard – to stop people calling me Sonny. It didn’t work. All that happened was that people came up to me and said: “I see you’ve grown a beard, Sonny.” And it itched!

No, I reserve my November madness for NaNoWriMo, which I talked about last week. This is the group attempt by thousands of writers to churn out 50,000 words of prose during the month. (50,000 each, that is – not altogether as a combined output. That wouldn’t be much of an achievement. “I’ve done my three words – can I go home now?”) I should actually be busy on my NaNoWriMo project right at this very moment – but I know how upset you’d be if I didn’t do my blog.

But what if you aren’t interested in arson, facial fuzziness or churning out dire novels? What does November have to offer the ordinary civilian?

IcetrcukersWell, there’s the changing of the guard on the old magic lantern box. It’s the astrological point when planets align and the long-awaited and hyped Autumn schedules begin on TV. We lose all that lightweight dross we had to watch in the sunny months when allegedly everyone was out cycling, hiking and indulging in Morris dancing and fist fights in pub gardens. Now we have heavyweight dross to fall asleep in front of. Great drama shows appear, and my particular favourite Ice Road Truckers returns to pit colourful and foul-mouthed lorry drivers against the nail-biting tension of driving ridiculously overloaded monster trucks over frozen lakes in Canada.

This year’s TV has an added attraction. You can traumatise your children so profoundly that they won’t be out of their catatonic trance in time to pester Santa, by letting them watch the ITV horror-fest cum Clockwork Orange wannabe, Jekyll and Hyde – guaranteed to bring blind terror, nightmares and gratuitous gore to the most peaceful of Sunday teatimes.

Not a big TV fan either? Gosh, you’re hard to please. Okay, here’s some assorted November facts to win you over to the cause.

Fact One: If November didn’t exist, the edges of October and December would rub up against each other and fray. (Okay, I may have made that one up!)

Fact Two: It is National Peanut Butter Lovers Month. Crunchy or smooth – you decide!

Fact Three: November is the birth month of many famous luminaries. These include Penguin-impersonator Danny DeVito; chef Gordon Ramsay; knicker designer Calvin Klein; actresses Jodie Foster, Scarlett Johansson and Whoopi Goldberg; national treasure Bill Nye; King in waiting Prince Charles; twerking singer Miley “wrecking balls” Cyrus; and Philippa Morton who has the dubious honour of being my niece – but never moans about it!

Fact Four: A number of history’s most important events took place in November. Top of these are the first appearance of Woody Woodpecker on Nov 24 1940: the first dog being fired into space, by the Russians on Nov 3 1957; William Shakespeare marrying Anne Hathaway on Nov 28 1582 after answering the question: To Wed or Not to Wed?;and most apt for Movember – the patenting of the double edged safety razor by King Camp Gillette on Nov 15 1904.

All impressive, but one lyrical fact makes all these others pale into insignificance. If it wasn’t for my favourite misty month we wouldn’t have one of the funniest double entrendres ever to make it into poetry.

In the classic poem November, Thomas Hood writes:

No sun – no moon!
No morn – no noon,
No dawn – no dusk – no proper time of day.
No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,
No comfortable feel in any member.
No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees,
No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds!
November!

Well, I don’t know about you, but after reading line 5 I suspect he may have had problems with his winter underwear. But then again – it might just be my schoolboy sense of humour!

 

All joking aside, if you want to take part in the marvellous charity work of Movember, visit: https://uk.movember.com/

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22/10/2015
by IainPattison
5 Comments

WHEN IT COMES TO VAMPIRE PUNS, FANGS JUST AIN’T THEY USED TO BE!

 

Do you know any great vampire jokes? No, me neither. But I do know some terrible ones.

Q. Why do vampires make bad cricketers?

A. They only like to bat.

Q. What did the teacher say to the vampire who failed his maths test?

A. “You can’t count, Dracula.”

Q. How does a vampire cross the ocean?

A. In a blood vessel.

I know,I know. It’s agony. I’ll stop right there before we all do something we’ll regret…

Why am I telling you these awful nosferatu gags? It’s not, as you might imagine, that I’ve pulled my Christmas crackers two months early. Nor that I’m indulging in some fang-related childish mirth for Children in Need.

No, the answer is that I’ve somehow lumbered myself with running a vampire-themed book launch party on Facebook tomorrow (Friday 23) and I’ve been desperately searching around for fun activities, chilling facts and bits of bloodsucker nonsense to while away what is going to be the longest day of my life.

Lady Is A VampIt’s the official publication day of That’s Why The Lady is a Vamp (third in the Quintessentially Quirky Tales humour series) and I’ve just realised that I’ve got to keep my party guests entertained for nine hours (Yes – NINE whole hours!)

And if you think these groan-inducing one-liners are frightening, (Where do vampires go on holiday? To the Isle of Fright!) you won’t believe what other desperate diversions I’ve got hidden up my period frilly lace-cuffed sleeve. To nick the punch line from a very rude Halloween joke – it’ll scare the willies out of you.

I did, I have to confess, consider having spooky party games – pin the tail on the yeti, kiss the ghouls and make them cry, shave the wolfman, banshee blind man’s bluff, musical electric chairs and old favourites like bobbing for apples in a bucket of decapitated heads.

But the truth is these innocent pastimes felt a bit… well, kiddie, a little juvenile. And damn difficult to perform online. Especially those involving water or inappropriate physical contact.

So I’ve decided I’m going for a sophisticated approach instead. My exclusive, discerning visitors will be treated to sharp, intellectual quizzes and indulge in witty banter with each other, while I circulate (does that count as a blood joke?) with platters of imaginary food and pour copious amounts of pretend alcohol. Made-up soft drinks will be available for those who imagine that they’ve been appointed the group’s designated driver…

Now, I don’t blame you for thinking that I’ve finally flipped and that the whole enterprise is totally nuts. To be honest, I do too – the odd conceit of pretending to have a knees-up on Facebook is frankly barmy. It’s akin to telling everyone you’re jetting off on holiday to Barbados, but staying at home instead and posting a TripAdvisor review slagging off the hotel you would have stayed at and complaining that your fictional resort was a bit overcrowded.

It’s all a bit Alice in Wonderland…

But hey, other authors have told me Facebook parties are a hoot and that people seem to like them so who am I to be a spoilsport? I can pretend with the best of them – have you seen my birthday “Oh thanks, what a wonderful gift. It’s just what I’ve always wanted” face?

And bearing in mind the famous tombstone inscription: “I’ll try anything once. What’s the worst that can happen?” I’m going to give it my best shot.

If you, loyal reader, want to join me you’d be very welcome. It all kicks off HERE at 11am and carries on (and I do mean Carry On!) until 8pm when I’ll be taken away sobbing to be given a REAL drink at a REAL pub.

Let’s get mad together and submerge ourselves in the surreal silliness that is modern digital age marketing.

If you can’t make it or if you want to dodge jokes like: “I’m very optimistic. Even my blood group is Be Positive” you can still show your support. Simply pop along to Amazon or Smashwords and make an old humorist very happy by purchasing a copy of That’s Why The Lady is a Vamp and Other Quintessentially Quirky Tales.

It won’t improve your love life, make you ten years younger or help you learn a new language in a weekend, but it should make you chuckle.

In the meantime, wish me luck on my 9-hour keyboard ordeal. I suspect by the end of tomorrow – unlike the characters in a vampire film – I’ll be praying for nightfall!

 

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